hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Last time i carry you out of a forest
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
