You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
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