Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
