My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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