Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We smell like vodka and hangover
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