Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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