Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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