Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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