If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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