I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
