her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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