when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
