I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
