The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
