Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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