my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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