two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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