she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
