a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
