hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
