i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
