he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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