YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
