And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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