Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
