so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
