I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
