i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
