this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
