i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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