My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
