OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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