The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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