Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
