Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
