Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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