I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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