last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
