Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Alive.
So much puke
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
