His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
