i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
MIDGETS
????
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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