I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
