Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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