You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Fuck appropriateness.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
