sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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