I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
