i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
