I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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