Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
