I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
