life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
