ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
