Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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